imwont hate myself to be loved by you

so today, i woke up at 2. yay! then i went and bought Chinese food for the grey cup game... fucking eskimos... *sigh*

i didnt get to watch the whole game cuz i had a concert to go to.

i didnt have the same anxious energy i usually do about concerts, but i had an awesome time. Do any of you remember Jacob from canadian idol. soooo hot, with the lip ring and beautiful green eyes? ya well, hes got a band and it really awesome and theyre on the radio. i was listening to Hedley play tonight and i thought, i should get their cd, and when i purchased it i could swear that i knew that guy from somewhere. so ya, Hedley is my new favourite band of the moment. Jacob is so flamboyant on stage. he came out in pink short shorts, a red belly shirt and a hat with the ear warmers built in. hes so awesome. SO AWESOME. people say hes gay. i say how fitting. Simple Plan was fun. The best part was when they did a rap medley. HAHAHA. i almost peed my pants with laughter. snoop dogg and Jayz simple plan style, it was hilarious. they covered i believe in a thing called love and so happy together. fun times.

i found out that one of my old friends from Keystone died of cancer a few months ago. i dont know what to say. im completely shocked. death makes me think, have i said everything that i want to say? cuz what if all of the sudden, i lost that opportunity. i guess it makes most people do that.

i heard this song and it instantly reminded me of you... we will have to listen to it soon.

Trip ~ Hedley

some say love is not for sinners
I believe that isnt true
cuz when i was finished sinning
love came down and showed me you
and told me how to get there
so i tried to find a way
then I ran into your garden
but I tripped out the gate
I tripped out the gate

what are you doing to me? I'm so into you
and the hardest part is knowing that I'll never follow through
you're slowly killing me
and I wish it wasnt true
cuz im so into you

Like a tonne of bricks it hit me
and i woke up from this dream
no matter how hard i tried to wash my hands
i could never get'em clean
i could never get'em clean

can you hear me?
cuz i cant change what ill always be


ttfn, Jiggy

___________

the only good thing that happened today was that Patricia and I got to deliver all the donations from our event to the Sherriff King Home.... it was like 30 bags of mostly clothing.

the rest of my day = poo.

ttfn, Jaryd

Candide

so last night was so completley refreshing. I went to Gerrys by myself. but after half an hour of writing and listening to music a group of homos came in and sat in the booth acrossed from me and it was so much fun. the one guy Wade, was flipping through the mini juke boxes and found the whole emaculate conception cd... and then when the songs came on, he grabbed his fork and used it as an earpeice to lip sync into. soooo funny. I feel much better. And Ryan made me laugh lots. Hes pretty cool. Thats pretty much it. by which i mean, Im reading Voltaire. I thought it would be sort of a difficult read, but its actually not. im really enjoying it! yay for good books! now that is all.

Its really quite fucking shitty. im so angry that all you need is that one person in you life to make it complete. meanwhile the rest of us wait for the day youll return a fucking phone call. asshole.

ttfn, Jiggy

"his _____ is so beautiful i want to knit it a hat"

*sigh* Walt Whitman makes me happy inside. From what I know of him I have no idea why. He essentially was a hobo during the civil war. I do know that I think his writing is beautiful. It can be peaceful, violent, hot or depressing. it is satisfying. i paid 70 cents for this book of happy.

Kids uprooting trees makes me very unhappy and i yelled. there is one left. one of seven planted. prepare yourself for the treeless colourless future.

I had a good day. I found me a used book store around the corner from my house and that shall be my new hang out. i could spend hours in a book store, just looking at all my options. its impossible to see everything once. today i puchased Walt Whitman, Voltaire, Emily Bronte (with 2 dots above the e) and some other little tidbits. and now i know where the word timbits came from... *sigh* I think i may watch a movie tonite. not sure which one...

ttfn, Jiggy


"There is something in staying close to men and women
and looking on them, and in the contact and odor of
them, that pleases the soul well,
All things please the soul, but these please the soul well. "

"his _____ is so beautiful i want to knit it a hat"

*sigh* Walt Whitman makes me happy inside. From what I know of him I have no idea why. He essentially was a hobo during the civil war. I do know that I think his writing is beautiful. It can be peaceful, violent, hot or depressing. it is satisfying. i paid 70 cents for this book of happy.

Kids uprooting trees makes me very unhappy and i yelled. there is one left. one of seven planted. prepare yourself for the treeless colourless future.

I had a good day. I found me a used book store around the corner from my house and that shall be my new hang out. i could spend hours in a book store, just looking at all my options. its impossible to see everything once. today i puchased Walt Whitman, Voltaire, Emily Bronte (with 2 dots above the e) and some other little tidbits. and now i know where the word timbits came from... *sigh* I think i may watch a movie tonite. not sure which one...

ttfn, Jiggy


There is something in staying close to men and women
and looking on them, and in the contact and odor of
them, that pleases the soul well,
All thinkgs please the soul, but these please the soul well.

an awesome wake up call!

DAVE PHONED ME TODAY!!!! from Ottawa!! he talked to me while he was standing on parliment hill and i told him he should assasinate the new governer general, heh. That made me so happy that he phoned me... i miss him.

ttfn, Jiggy : )

look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me

Apparently behind this glow i seem to have aquired lies some anger... i sat in a cafe today and i wrote, the first thing i wrote was about what an idiot i am and the second thing i wrote was how angry i am. or was. not sure. part of me wants to fight. but i know that that time has past. i chose to suppress my anger and now the time is not right. im fairly angry at another situation. actually im really fucking angry. apparently one of my friends is forbidden to see me. i considered going to her house and screaming at him. he makes me so fucking angry. and i dont know how many times i can pick her up from some random location bawling because they got into a fight/he hit her/called her a cunt. sometimes i consider just ending their marriage for them. but i am fully aware that its not my place. *sigh*

i returned my shiny thing today... it makes me a little sad. but i bought a different one. heh :D it still involves my 3 favourite things, but in a different way.

i dunno, im sure i did more than that today, but for some reason... nope thats all i did.

ttfn, Jaryd

your life is made up of icons

Funny thing. my car got dropped off at my work and i drove it home. (just so everyone knows, ive put 550 dollars into my car to fix it, just in the last 2 weeks... it makes me sad in my soul) then i was on my way to go see my little brother and i looked in my rearview mirror and noticed something different. there was more white around it then usual... i had my fuzzy dice up there and then there was a second set. except these ones are twice the size of my original ones. so i assume that my parents bought them for me. When i got home tonite i asked my mom if she bought me the new dice and she didnt know anything about them. then i asked Jolene if she knew and she said no. so im pretty sure that the guys who fixed my car bought me a new pair of fuzzy dice. i am sooo freaking amused! lmao.

I had a lovely time with Dustin. I miss him terribly and he was so sweet yesterday. i never expect anyone that ive been there for to be there for me because most of the time it just doesnt happen. ive accepted it. but he came through for me yesterday and im so happy that i have him. and after all that and me telling him id take him for drinks he still paid. hes still very protective of me and he says that he will break the bones of any guy that hurts me. on one hand thats really unneccisary, but on the other hand its like, AWW. he makes me smile. he thinks that im gonna get hurt. and that i should look at what happened in the past and such. i dunno, i just dont want to come down from this high quite yet. is that so wrong? i havent forgotten that the air could crumble beneath me. so im still sorta prepared i guess...

The time with you never seems long enough, ever.

I prepared myself for the worst. and i witnessed no conflict. i was scared, admittably. but she had a great weekend and i told her about mine. and all was fine. hopefully nothing goes more wrong then it already is. shes got my number... we went for a quick coffee and Ryan rubbed the loss in my face. then i gave him the finger. Rebecca seems to think that i missed a "silver platter opportunity". i maintain that i didnt. a few minutes later Ryan came over and asked me an interesting question while Rebecca was in the bathroom... im not sure what my take on that is. meh.

i do believe that is it.

ttfn, Jiggy

wine and beer!

NINE DAYS TIL RENT!

the end.


: D

ttfn, Jiggy

take my hand and we'll make it, i swear. woah!

*sigh* we lost the football game and thats all i want to say about it.

ive been really REALLY happy lately, but i cant help but wonder how long it will be before i get too comfortable with this feeling and it all smacks me in the face like and Ani DiFranco song.

im in a bit of a sticky situation where, im happy with what i have, but im not at the same time... its not that i dont like it right now, but im sorta living on what ifs still. but the what ifs have changed to the opposite degree. from negitive to positive.

im really tired and i feel nauseous...

ttfn, Jiggy... : ) ing

butter pays your wages

I had such an amazing day. I danced, I laughed and I cried a little. It is impossible to describe. the whole 24 hours. awesome. nothing bad really happened and the only thing i can remember i brushed off without a second thought. my coworkers were very confused about my mood. it was funny to see them sort of stop and just look at me with that "wtf is up with her" look. I had a smile painted on my face the whole day. i havent felt this good in a long time. YAY!

ttfn, Jiggy! : )

i am not a rent head, i am not a rent head, etc and so forth

Ok, so MAYBE I've been a LITTLE obsessive about this musical. maybe. i think i need to tone it down. Today I walked around work with Without You, Another Day, Santa Fe, One Song Glory, Will I and many more stuck in my head. Ive been listening to the cd every day when i get ready. it may be getting out of hand... *sigh* its like everytime i listen to the songs i find something new in them.

I dont think i like her. im trying really hard to like her. its hard to get along with someone who doesnt let you express your concerns.

i think i survived today. not really sure how. but i survived. and i feel less nauseuous, so thats good!

i have been acting like such a freaking fool for the past 2 weeks. i know what ur thinking and i mean, MORE so than ever before. its ridiculous. i dont think that i absorb things that are said to me. a while ago i decided that i was absorbing way too much, in the sense of peoples energies and such. So i decided to try to work on my deflecting skills. i think its gone too far. i need to find a happy medium.


ttfn, Jiggy

we are so starved for that touch that we crash into each other

ok. i think that i dont know how to start. in my head i think of all the ways to do so, but none of them seem appropriate. how do you say that youve finally figured out that youve been living a lie for years and years. i feel like all i do, or have done since i was born was live a lie. i mostly lie blatantly to myself. and as a result i indirectly lie to others. if you cant find the words is it still a lie? i dunno. i feel awful, but i cant find the words to say it out loud and have someone understand. its not that i would change anything in my life because everything that i have seen and done has made me who i am, so theres no way i could possibly want to undo any of it. i just... float. i feel like everything i say has a double meaning and i dont even intend it to when i say it. or sometimes i just randomly say something that i might not even mean or understand. for example, today i told Andrew that he would never find a girl that doesnt play games because the ones appear like they dont play games are actually playing "the girl that doesnt play games" because she knows she'll get you that way. now i understand what i said, but i dont mean it. maybe in some cases that happens, but its not always true. it was so uncontrolled too. i just blurted it out. sometimes when that happens its ok, cuz the person im with understands that i do that because it will make sense to them, but for the majority of the people i hang out with, they dont get it. this is so fucked up because if i dont say it outloud i may run. i am tired of running.

ttfn, Jaryd

I'm the lock, you're the key

so today then... umm, it was kinda crappy. the majority anyway. well, pretty much just work. so like 10 hours. yes thats right, i was at work for 10 hours. it wasnt the overtime that was crappy, just the fact my brain decides to go off into this place. its accesible and everything. actually my thoughts are too accessible. so now i have had this epiphany of some form. As a result i spent the remaining hours of my day confused as to whether i should vomit, or cry. so yes. it sucked.

i have heard a gin blossoms song everyday for the past 3 days. its getting kinda weird, cuz uh, no one plays the gin blossoms anymore. ive also heard a specific song by reo speedwagon too many times to count. the randomness that is radio is sort of losing its meaning.

seriously though. where the hell does the time go. its really weird how when ur hanging out and all of the sudden 3 hours went by. wtf did we do to make 3 hours disappear? not that i wasnt having fun, i just find it odd. sometimes i wish i could find the pause button.

someone told me that my eyes tell a story. is that true? can you read me through my eyes. cuz im pretty sure that you can only read what i want you to read and if i really didnt want you to know, then you wouldnt be able to tell.
the end.

ttfn, Jiggy

Last night...

I dreamt of people painting in the dark and a war that cannot be won even in my dreams. i woke up many times and then the same thought would enter my mind and i was back in my subconscious. I dreamt of fire and water. at the same time. of a struggle that can only end badly. i needed help with the things that i already know how to do. oranges. i was giving out oranges. but only one person took one. they took the open one. i laughed. parts were manificantly beautiful and other were familiar and dull. ive had a familiar feeling all day. i dreamt of trust. i broke the rules and walked through a room full of smoke. someone stirred black coffee i think. ive done that before. and art in the dark. i dont get it.


ttfn, Jiggy

gay men, tears, *sighs*, and violence

People are stupid and fucking lame. these 3 guys came into Gerrys tonight and were throwing creamers and broke a sugar container. and then when my favourite waiter came over to ask them to leave one of the guys threw coffee on him. i was pissed then and i continue to be so. fuckers. that makes me so fucking mad! RARR

I saw Chicago tonite and it was soooooo good! i had so much fun and it was so shiny! YAY!

I cant possibly understand why people get married. fuck that.

ive been doing that thing calle thinking... and uh. fuck that as well. its getting me nowhere.


ttfn, Jiggy

PS...

it was like fate so i took it and this is the result. when they sing this song, i will laugh, because in an incredibly depressing period of my life i painted it on my wall...

Perfect

What Simple Plan Song Are You.
brought to you by >

and in the distance a single voice played trick or treat

umm, today it rained... it rained a beautiful rain and after work i walked out of the store, stopped and looked up on possible the last rain for a while... for a long while. perhaps it will rain again this month... that would make me happy and it would make my drought shorter...

yesterday was odd... not really sure what to say. i wore the dress again for a little bit. then went and watched So I married an Axe murderer... that movie is so funny. "PIPER DOWN" and also, "she was a thief, youve gotta believe, she stole my heart and my cat" heh.

and now, in tribute to such a rare event (i dont think i remember ever witnessing november rain...) here is an exerpt from Guns N' Roses...

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

goodnite and ttfn, Jaryd....