we are so starved for that touch that we crash into each other

ok. i think that i dont know how to start. in my head i think of all the ways to do so, but none of them seem appropriate. how do you say that youve finally figured out that youve been living a lie for years and years. i feel like all i do, or have done since i was born was live a lie. i mostly lie blatantly to myself. and as a result i indirectly lie to others. if you cant find the words is it still a lie? i dunno. i feel awful, but i cant find the words to say it out loud and have someone understand. its not that i would change anything in my life because everything that i have seen and done has made me who i am, so theres no way i could possibly want to undo any of it. i just... float. i feel like everything i say has a double meaning and i dont even intend it to when i say it. or sometimes i just randomly say something that i might not even mean or understand. for example, today i told Andrew that he would never find a girl that doesnt play games because the ones appear like they dont play games are actually playing "the girl that doesnt play games" because she knows she'll get you that way. now i understand what i said, but i dont mean it. maybe in some cases that happens, but its not always true. it was so uncontrolled too. i just blurted it out. sometimes when that happens its ok, cuz the person im with understands that i do that because it will make sense to them, but for the majority of the people i hang out with, they dont get it. this is so fucked up because if i dont say it outloud i may run. i am tired of running.

ttfn, Jaryd