Sunday, February 29, 2004

So, i have come the the conclusion that i am pretty much a boy. Except for obvious reasons...

Reasons I am more like a Boy:
I talk to my car, her name is Doris
I talk to my Barbeque (she doesnt have a name...)
I like fishing, football, camping
I would rather see someone get blown up, then watch them make out with someone


But after all is said and done...
I still just wanna be swept away

(i will now go puke myself to sleep)

ttfn, Jaryd

Thursday, February 26, 2004

mmm demerol....
Section 1: The Sun In The Solar Return Chart

Sun Aspects Pluto

The nature of a planet aspecting the Sun in the solar return chart and the aspect between them color the interpretation of both planets. Pluto aspects to the Sun (which usually last for a number of consecutive years) indicate an increased awareness of power. Awareness can come through conflicts and struggle with yourself or others, but it is the awareness that is most significant. How people get, maintain and use power for personal goals or for the control of others is more important than the struggle itself. It is the awareness which gives you a greater ability to control your own life. Power usage in confrontations and everyday situations will become more obvious, but even subtle shifts in power will be evident to you as you learn to recognize psychological motivations and manipulations. For some individuals this is a time to study psychology; however, many will notice examples of obsessive, compulsive, phobic, or manipulative behaviors in themselves or others regardless of their educational background. Unconscious needs are intensified and life becomes more complicated. Ambition and self-control are the more positive manifestations. Learning to deal with life on a deeper level is the hallmark of the Plutonian consciousness. Find out more with your full-length report...

Sun Aspects Mars

Mars symbolizes the energy necessary for successful accomplishments. When Mars aspects the Sun, it is a good time to work on a project that requires a great deal of energy to complete. Success can come in the form of personal or professional achievement, or with defense. Relationships tend to be competitive, and you need to balance self-centered drives with the needs of others. Learning to deal with aggression, conflict, and anger in an effective rather than detrimental way can enable the individual to handle negative situations positively. Less spiritual themes involve destructive or self-destructive urges. Prolonged anger creates blockages which waste energy in a cycle of negative emotions that have no real purpose or goal. It is better to direct efforts into positive endeavors. Find out more with your full-length report...

Section 2: Mercury In The Solar Return Chart

Mercury Aspects Saturn

Saturn aspecting Mercury suggests a more serious and structured perception of reality. Life is organized in such a way that decisions and changes have serious consequences. Choices may be studied in depth before decisions are made. For some, there will be no good and clear choice. Dilemma situations can plague the Mercury-Saturn combination. It is likely that at least one major decision will be made during the year. Sometimes this decision is made under stress and usually it involves great responsibility. For these reasons, the individual tends to be conservative. He or she is looking for changes that produce greater stability, not chaos.
Ok so this just blows ass

1. I fractured my toe yesterday... it hurts, its swollen, and its bruised.
2. I hope that if any of you have an issue with something/someone in the pit that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me. Thats part of my purpose.
3. I hate when you have a thought in your head and every song you listen to, you can relate it. Or every forwarded email can be related. Or people know and bring it up constantly. All I want to do right now is forget it. But I know I cannot. It took me so long to figure it out, and now I wish no one would have told me and no one would continue to do so and that I could just make it go away. It just makes everything more complicated and it makes me more vulnerable. I wish I could talk to someone. I'm so afraid...
This is the part I loathe.

Monday, February 23, 2004

1. Rehearsal
2. Guy Talk


1. Today I realized how very different it is to be in grade 12. On one hand its extremely exciting, but on the other this is the last time I will do this in the environment that i have been comfortable in for three years, and 6 plays. I look at the grade 10s and I try to remember if i was like that in grade 10. Or did i take the rehearsal process more seriously. Did i make the same mistakes as they do? Did i think i knew more than i actually did. And at that time did i actually beleive that I would be so involved in Drama Society by now. Honestly, I did make the same mistakes, i didnt know anything and i never thought that this would be my life. I mean, I have always loved theatre, but i never thought it would consume me the way it does. I live and breathe it. I cant picture myself any other way. I long for the release of it. It is the only time in my life when i actually take chances. And the only reason i do so is because it honestly is not me. Thats the beauty of it. For at least an hour I can pretend like I live a different life and nothing in the real world affects me. For just one hour, nothing frustrates or angers me. Nothing lies to me or treats me like I am nothing. I am not passed over for someone with blue eyes and blond hair. I am important to everyone there with me, because it is essential that I am there. No matter how much stage time i get, it wouldnt be the same without me. Knowing that if one character was cast differently, the whole play would change is amazing. And the fact of the matter is, that many people probably could play a role, but its up to the director to decide whos qualities he wants in that one character. That is the reason people get cast. I must admit I am a little scared of "playing myself, playing a character" because it requires me to be more of me onstage. But i think it will be an interesting change and challenge. For the most part i dont put my life on display, partly because I feel i am not allowed. People dont really know how to handle me when ive had a really crappy day, so i just pretend like im happy and paste on a smile. I must admit that when one of my friends asks me whats wrong, when Im like this, it feels good. Good to know that I cant lie to the people who I know actually care about me. Thank you.

2. Guy talk makes me happy. Im just an innocent bystander in this, but i love it. I love the fact that I can learn soooooo much more about guys this way than ANY OTHER WAY. ANd that my guy friends trust me enough (and are comfortable with me) to talk about such things with a "girl". (i would like to state that I am not really a girl, since it has been said to me by my best guy friend, "ya know when you like a girl?", thats when i faced the reality that i was "one of the guys" and always have been.) Anyway, it makes me happy nonetheless. Yay for me. I love guys. They make way better friends then most girls.

Thats all really...


ttfn, Jaryd

Sunday, February 22, 2004

blog idea to be expanded on at a later date...


Listening to the power of an audience

Ok, have you ever stood behind the curtain before an audience and just listened? Closed your eyes and let everything, but the sound on the other side, melt away? Its amazing how powerful it is. Occasionally you can hear certain people laughing, coughing, sneezing or some other bodily functions. Its interesting to try to pick out certain sounds, or people. With your eyes closed, try to zone in on one person and in effect, find out who they are, by how they talk or laugh. Then you can move onto someone else. Its weird because if you try hard enough you can pick up on things. Conversations people are having and if theyre enjoying them. ANd you know that somewhere in the audience someone is sitting alone in silence. Waiting. Then all of the sudden they feel something. This something makes them sit down in silence. The lights go down and not a sound is heard. Then the lights go up and when the audience doesnt speak or move, you know youre doing something right because you are affecting them. Emotionally they are not in control. Its like the outer limits and they dont even realized that you have pulled them into your world. Imaginary as it is, they are their with you. Then, when it is over, you know youve done youre job when they are still in silence and it takes them a second to realize that its over. It was made up. It didnt actually happen. It wasnt real. Then their power becomes overwhelming again. It always seems to start off slow and then it quickly builds into a thunderous roar. And it doesnt stop until you leave. And you know you did that to them. At least, thats what it sounds like to me.
So, i decided that if i had to sum up my life/how i am feeling in three songs they would be:


Remember when it Rained ~ Josh Groban
Bring on the Rain ~ Jo Dee something i cant remember
Songs about Rain ~ i cant remember

I would also like to state that i cannot live in this god forsaken rainless state anymore. by which i mean, this sucks ass and i will have to wait a few more months... for the rain.

I loathe winters existence.

Love, Jaryd
Vairochana is an emanation of Adibuddha and represents the cosmic element of form (rupa). He is the primordial wisdom of the sphere of reality. His is in the center of the mandala consisting of the five Transcendental Buddhas, and his rites pacify negative emotions. He is white and his two hands are held against the chest with his thumbs and forefingers touching. He radiates the light of Buddhahood and his consort is Akashadhateshvari, who is the sovereign lady of infinite space. So the dance of light and the space for it to radiate through creates the united dance of Dharmadhatu. It is this dance that is represented by these unions and the sexual imagery depicted in Tantra (concerns powerful ritual acts of body, speech and mind).

White Tara, the Mother of all the Buddhas, bestows the gift of longevity and is an elegant emanation. She energizes those who visualize her, and that energy can be invested in one’s spiritual practice. She is still and centered sitting in a full lotus, belonging to the Lotus Family of Amitaba. She has seven eyes: one each on the soles of her feet; one each on the palms of her hands; one each in the normal place on her face and one in the "third eye" position on her forehead. Several important White Tara practices have been passed down through the Karmapas and Dalai Lamas.

FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS- The truth of suffering (sickness, old age and death); The truth of the origin of suffering; The truth of the cessation of suffering; The truth of the path that leads to the cessation of suffering (the eight-fold path).


MANDALA- A painted circular diagram or sacred circle of the process by which the cosmos unfolds from its center. It is used as a point of focus in Tantric meditation, and demonstrates total interdependence and the void nature of all apparently separated things.
TANTRA- In the context of Buddhism it refers to the texts that outline the practices of Vajrayana. These practices make use of yoga, visualizations, mantra, mudras and other ritual.
MANTRA- A ritual using seed sounds for the purpose of concentration. Using mantra helps the practitioner connect with the aspect of enlightenment the deity embodies.

MUDRA- These are hand gestures that have specific meanings and certain deities can be identified by the ones they use.

TRANSCENDENTAL BUDDHAS- Most commonly referred to as Dhyani Buddhas; they are emanations of Adibuddha and serve as the meditation Buddhas. These five Buddhas in meditation are inseparable, and represent different aspects of Buddhahood. They incarnated forms of mystical wisdom have been placed in a sophisticated system that has developed over many centuries. Each one represents a family with their related aspects and a direction. Each is related to a skanda and how it can be transformed. These five Buddhas are also known as Tathagatas (the Perfect Ones) and Jinas (Conquerors). They are shown in five different seated meditation poses (mudras). Variochana occupies the center with Akshobya in the East, Amitayus in the South, Amitaba in the West and Amogasiddhi in the North.






Realms:
ANIMAL REALM- One of the six realms of existence, it is where consciousness is consumed by survival.

GOD REALM- One of the six realms of existence, this refers to those in a blissful or heavenly state of mind.
HUMAN REALM- One of the six realms of existence when one has gained a balance of compassion and awareness. It is the starting point on the path to enlightenment.

HUNGRY GHOSTS- One of the six realms of existence when beings cannot consume enough to satisfy their cravings or hunger. It is depicted by a being with a huge stomach and a pin hole for a mouth.


To fill the needs of these new doctrins and to provide the images for the yogic meditational exercises a new imagery developed: a pentade of five "Djanibuddhas" who are the visible (macocosmic) personifications of the different aspects of an impersonal, completely transcendet, undivided Adibuddha.

1. There are five Djanibuddhas (Akshobya, Ratnasambhava, Amitabha, Amogasiddhi), the fifth called Vairocana is their center. His emblem, is a thunderbolt, "vajra" (Sanscrit), (Tib.: Phurbu) or a "diamond" (Tib.: dorje), a symbol of the speed with which this technique works and of the clarity of its insights. This "instrument" gave the system its name: Vajrayana.

2. Buddhas and Boddhisatvas exhibit complimentary female manifestations. They may appear entirely in their female Gestalt (Prajna) or in sexual union (Tib.: Yab-Yum) with their male complements.

3. The super-mundane Absolute of the Tantra is equated with the Nirvana of the Mahayana. It is associated with a sixth Buddha or Adhibuddha who unifies all opposites including those of the five Djanibuddhas, who are his emanations. The Addhibuddha can be apprehended only in a mystical vision as a "Great White Light" (Bardo Tödol, "Tibetan Book of the Dead") during advanced, deep meditation or in dying. - Nevertheless, in certain Tibetan representations the Addhibuddha appears blue and stark naked in Yab-Yum with his white and equally naked Prajna.

Tantric Sexual Practices. To the Western mind, formed by Christian mores (Augustinus), it is hard to accept and understand the all-pervasive, omnipresent sexual imagery in Tibetan religious paintings and sculpture: Sexual unions in Yab-Yum, fierce male figures with erections, and female figures performing erotic dances in full nudity.

Sexual practices are an important part of Tantric meditational exercises. The male-female polarity is irrefutably fundamental to life, and because the Tantra attempts to reconcile and remove polarities as the source of suffering, it endowed the sexual union between man and woman with numinous significance.

The woman intuitively "knows" the unity of all opposites (insight), but cannot express it, the man with his analytical faculties can "give these insights names" (awareness) but cannot grasp their emptiness: make love as a powerful meditational exercise to gain and combine "Insight" and "Awareness". The off-spring of their union is Active Compassion for both. Unequivocally the Tantric texts state that man cannot obtain this Ultimate Awareness without a female consort.

The roots of these practices lie in the animist fertility rites of the mother cults of India and - surprisingly - in Chinese Daoist longevity techniques.

Extreme sexual yoga positions are depicted in profusion in the sculptures of the Shivaite temples, e.g., of Khajuraho (11th cent), and under the eaves of all Shiva temples in Nepal: women display their vaginas, or appear in union with man or animal to ward off evil and dangerous spirits.

Well documented (see Needham) in a number of Chinese texts, the Daoist methods had the typically Chinese objective to increase the life and strength of the male practinioner by copulating with as many women and as often as possible - without ejaculation.

Sperm is the highest form of chi, the vital essence that courses through the meridians (channels) connecting the accupuncture points of Chinese medicine. The purpose of copulation was to press the chi up the spine into the head, where it would stimulate the highest vital center, the supreme chakra of Kundalini yoga. In order to accomplish this the woman had, during intercourse, to press with two fingers on the first chakra (perineum) behind the testicles of her partner. The pressure prevented the sperm from being ejaculated and drove it - up the spinal meridian - never mind that it actually ended up in the bladder. . . This takes some practice, and it is certainly not a recommended safe birth-control method! -

The Tibetan techniques, couched in the veiled mystical "shadow-speak" of the Tantras, are less graphical and appear to have higher spiritual aims than to merely lengthen life. It appears that the man had to learn how to bring the woman to orgasm without ejaculating - which works with some and not with others. . .

Witrh the exception of Dzokchen, all Tantric systems, like the Chinese Dao, abhor the loss of "precious" male chi. In her autobiography Yeshe Tsogyel, the Khadroma-partner of Padmasambhava, describes the transport of chi up and through the 8 or 9 (Bön counting!) Kundalini chakras in (mystical) detail, and she practices this technique as well as her male partner.

As an example of "veiled" Tibetan language ("shadow-talk"), the famous Mantra, "Om Mane Padme Hum" (Om, the precious jewel is in the lotus chalice, Hum) has also a well-understood sexual meaning, in which the "jewel" (mane/vajra) is the male member and padma, the "lotus chalice", the female organ. . . - For an excellent, entirely a-mystical discussion of these subjects see Needham, Science and Techology in China , Vol. 5.2.!

The Mandala

Mandalas (Sanscrit: circle) are geometric designs, using squares and circles, that can be two-dimensional paintings, or three-dimensional architecture. The Chörten and the architecture of Tibetan sanctuaries are mandalas. In a few cases entire monastic complexes are layed out as a mandala, the most famous example is Samye Gompa.

The mandala is a symbolic, visual representation of the abstract concept of the devine or the sacred, and as such it is universal. The ancient Greek mazes and those in Gothic cathedrals (Chartre), and the cruciform Byzantine churches of Eastern Orthodoxy, most Turkish and many of the Iranian mosques are in effect three-dimensional mandalas. The mandala may also be related to the Pythagorean quadrature of the circle, and its mystical use in Sufism, the Kabala, and Western alchemy.

Using Indian precedences the mandala appears in Buddhism very early as the Stupa that represented the Buddha in 2nd-century-BC India. The most famous example is Sanchi.

Painted two-dimensional mandalas appear in the 8th or 9th cent. with the rise of the Vajrayana. They are circular or square arrangements of the four Djanibuddhas surrounding the fifth in the center. This type of mandala became the major iconic image of Tibetan Buddhism. Its use is restricted to Tibet, Nepal, Bhutan, Mongolia, and North-Western China.

The Tibetan mandalas are at the same time cosmograms of the exoteric and psychograms of the esoteric world seen by the student. Inside a circular fence rests a square cross (dual-diamond-cross, vishva-vajra) into which other concentric squares or circles have been inscribed. This "mystical garden" has four gates in the four directions, and on each side appears one of the four Buddhas or their Bodhisattvas. The tutelary Yidam resides in the center, his Paradise. Depending on the complexity of the mandala, a large number of secondary manifestations of the Yidam may appear in the corners or in further, inscribed circles. The main entry into the mandala is from the East, the lowest gate.

The outer circular fence of the mandala is a ring of fire. It is followed by a circle of vajras and a ring showing the eight graveyards of India (only in mandalas of fierce manifestions). The innermost fence is a circle of lotus petals. These fences protect the sacred garden and the meditator from evil influences. In scaling them the student sacrifices his karmic "clothing" until he stands naked before the gates of the inner sanctum.

Mandalas serve primarily as an aid to guide the visualizations of the meditator, who at first invokes the undifferentiated Void of the Adhibuddha from which slowly, bathed in light rays, form the ordered details of the mandala of his personal Yidam. In doing so the Yidam and the surrounding figures are considered evanescent projections of the mediator's inner Buddha Nature, they appear before his eyes like fleeting dreams. As his mind wanders through the gates of this hortus mysticus he identifies with all its figures in sequence until he reaches the center, the Paradise of his Yidam. After meditating on all aspects of the Yidam he recalls their impermanent nature, they are after all, like everything else, only a projections of his mind, and in dissolving the images he returns his gaze back at the Absolute Void.

Samantabhadra - The Spiritual Emanation of Vairocana
Vairocana's color is white. He is called the maker of perfect light. His spiritual emanation is Samantabhadra, the bodhisattva of universal kindness.

Samantabhadra
The Bodhisattva and Spiritual Emanation of Vairocana


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The music of being is the glory of awareness, the constant hum of change
It is the choirs of heaven and the whirling planets,
leaving trails of mist for others to follow
It is laughing and singing, tears of joy flowing amid the sound of great rivers
It is the opening of the Great Door

The root of the heart courses onward
To swirl around the chains which bind men to illusion
They sway, they tie, the body dances
Rising in ecstasy, throbbing, thrilled
The energy spills out, bursting forth
Radiant into the world

Flowers crown the head of the sage
Starlight with rays in all directions
It is the shining light of Truth, and the mind and body
Are but the bulb, or as clouds on a windy day
Blown, scattered, dancing in fragments
Delicate scales of butterflies, or wave-crashed spray
Dancing in the moonlight.

The music of ecstasy calls forth movement
For the great powers of the universe are pulsating
The infinite chorus is singing praises
Emotions push and pull, like taffy or rubber
And burst, in pieces like stars

Only listen, listen clearly, and you may hear it
The delicate pulse of pleasure coursing your spine
The sensual thrill of delight
The cry of agony, of too much pleasure, too much sensitivity
Pushed to its utmost, the touch of a song
Upon the delicate center

Ecstasy calls forth shivers of wonder, vibrations of joy, the sharing of love
It is not for the one
It is union with the many
There is no space or time
There is no separation
There is no stillness, not yet
But there is singing

It brings forth from each person his deepest desires
Fulfills them, light fills them
Light fills the world, and the bud is full-blown
Open and praising in shining song
The wonder of eternity.


Locana
The Shakti of Vairocana


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The musicality of being is a great mountain cracking open
Splintering powerful lights and shining colors in all directions
It is the rumbling of massive ice flows, bursting open
That the inside may be seen, of new and clear crystal

I am the opening one, the knife which slashes the Void
Spilling out from within the jewels which it holds
Like a bandit, splitting his burlap bags to see the silver and gold
Like a king scattering precious stones
Like a saint, rending his body that the animals may eat

I am creativity, birth, and new beginnings
My light is mother of pearl, shining silver at a distance
Shining all colors when close

I open the tree that the branch may grow
I spread the tissues of women that the infant may emerge
I cause rain in great profusion
New worlds, the exploding of great suns
The entrance of new ideas

I open the skies that light may shine down, that plants and animals may flourish
I open the eyes of all beings, that they may perceive around them
The endless birth

My lord is Vairocana, the most high one
He is the essence of being, the beginning of existence
He has no form, yet he creates order
He is the first shimmering light which floats upon the Void
He is nothingness whose desire to create
Has created me

He is endlessly sweet, the nectar of true knowledge
He is pure and delicate, yet endlessly powerful
When all form is destroyed, by fire and black rain
He is untouched, to begin again
The cycles of creation.

Tibetan for Tara = She who has that crossed over
White Tara is often referred to as the Mother of all the Buddhas. She represents the motherly aspect of compassion. Her white colour indicates purity, but also indicates that she is Truth, complete and undifferentiated.

Ayra Taraya Namah!
Hail to the Noble Tara!
Goddess of Infinite Compassion
Protectress of Human Beings
as they cross the Ocean of Existence
Om Tasa Tarini Karuna Sambhave Svaha


The 7-eyed goddess of purity and transcendental wisdom, Tara was born of a single tear of compassion shed by Avaloketishwara on seeing the suffering of humanity. She grants a long life, fearlessness, patience and peace. Her symbol is a white or pink paeonia flower (sanskrit: Upala). She can be associated with the full moon and is seen as an emanation of the fire element (Buddha Amithaba). Her short mantra is:
Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha
May all sentient beings
have happiness and its causes,
May all sentient beings
be free from suffering and its causes.
May all sentient beings
never be separated from sorrowless bliss.
May all sentient beings
abide in equanimity, free of bias,
attachment and anger.

White Tara is an emanation of Tara who is connected with longevity. One calls on her for health, strength, and longevity.

Her white colour indicates purity, but also indicates that she is Truth complete and undifferentiated.

She wears the Bodhisattva ornaments.

She has seven eyes: the two usual eyes, plus an eye in the centre of her forehead and eyes in her hands and feet. These indicate that she sees all suffering and all cries for help, even in the human world, even in the worlds of pain, using both ordinary and psychic or extraordinary means of perception. She carries day lotuses.

This Tara is also known as Samaya Tara, meaning Vow Tara. This refers to Tara's vow to save all beings and also to our vow, which is a Bodhisattva vow like Tara's.

Whereas the Green Tara is a young girl and has a mischievous or playful nature, the White Tara is represented as a mature woman, full-breasted and wise.

Some practitioners comment that the energy of the two Taras feels a little different.

Green tara is very immediate and quick. One calls to her for immediate assistance, and also often for help with worldly things like lover, wealth and so on, as well as spiritual things. She feels very close.

White Tara seems to help more with longer-term problems, particularly problems of physical or mental health. It sometimes seems as if she is more distant, harder to contact at first. Then it is as if she sends us healing energies and mystical power and understandings.

Often one sees, in pictures of the Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara (Tib: Chenrezigs), the two Taras in front of him - the White Tara to his right, and the Green to his left.

Similarly, Padmasambhava (Tib: Guru Rinpoche) is depicted with two of his consorts. The Indian princess Mandarava, with whom he accomplished[ the Rainbow Body practice, is identified with White Tara. The Tibetan princess Yeshes Tsogyal, his consort and a source of many important lineage teachings (for example the Kandro Nyin-thig), is identified with the Green Tara.

White Tara is Buddha family (some also consider her to be partly in Lotus family), whereas Green Tara is in the Action family and is the consort of Amorgasiddhi, the Buddha of that family. The practices of both are very important: White Tara is especially important in the Sakya teachings.

White Tara has her own mantra. It is: OM TARE TUTARE TURE MAMA AYURPUNYE JNANA PUTIN KURU SVAHA. (Ohm Tahray Totahray tooray mahmah ahyoopoonyay jahnah pooteen kooroo swah hah).

White Tara is a female enlightened being whose function is to bestow long life, wisdom, and good fortune. It is said that living beings receive Tara's blessings as swiftly as the wind moves, because she is the manifestation of the wind element of all Buddhas.

MOON, LONG LIFE, COMPASSION
The White Tara has seven eyes that allow her to look upon
beings in every realm of existence with clear-sighted wisdom
and heartfelt compassion. She can lengthen one's life span
and helps in overcoming life threatening hindrances. She is
the most popular feminine deity and shines her healing light
unconditionally as does the "full" moon.


Curse you all for sleeping at 430 in the am... AND ESPECIALLY YOU. thats right you who is reading this now. POO FOR YOU. Just trying to be a "real friend" and go online, but no ones here... Grr for you...


And with that i shall say i am never going online again cuz the times when i do go online, you are not... what is the point in that?

ttfn, Jaryd

PS. Good nite Neverland!!!!!!!

Friday, February 20, 2004

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Remember When It Rained - Josh Groban

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.

They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down



I shall elaborate when i have finished my fricking Bio homework

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Well this just sucks ass. That is all I really have to say. I am pissed off. And I dont care to talk about it.
ski
You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You came from Hell. The devil's dark force still
reside's in your veins. You always look for
fun, and have a way of winning people over. You
have a strong taste in music, and have a very
artistic side. Though your attitude can take
over your personality, you keep up with your
life without worrying about the small things in
life. Violence sometimes is your thought,
though your heart disagree's. Take time to
think over your choices and rmember, it is
never to late to change. Your bubbly
personality produces envy among frineds but it
never takes over you. Control your wild side,
and your fire will turn to water.


Where did you come from when you were born?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Fire
You have a fiery soul. You aren't the quickest to
get angered, but when you do get angry things
can go really wrong really fast. You are
generally very passionate in the things you do.
(Rate my test)


What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the blue moonlight. You are peaceful and
serene, kind and loving. Your heart never
stears you wrong. You let out uncertainess with
tears, and you let out fear with light. The
blue light means distance. You are afraid to
get to close to people. You have been betrayed
once before and can't do it again. Your dream
job could consist of a counsler or a traveler.
You love humanity and lonliness. You will have
love in your life and will never pass by
unnoticed. Your beauty attracts many, but your
personality is rare. The uniqness in your mind
will always separate you. You can always find
yourself lingering near the ocean, thinking
about life. Your head seema to be up in the
clouds, though you body is down omn Earth. You
change and each time come back a better person.
The blue moonliht will always guide to safety
in the darkest hour.


What shade of moonlight are you? (Boys or Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
Well, i must say that my week is just getting better and better... Its only tuesday and already it blows. I had a lovely sob fest with Kels though. For an hour. Had 4 smokes. and cried. It felt good. I dont know why I chose to talk to her and not someone else. It just sorta happened. Perhaps because i havent seen her in a while. Well, ya know what i mean. I figured something out today. I always feel like i have to compete even though i know i dont have to. Does that make any sense? It pisses me off cuz i hate competing. Its dumb and i dont feel like i should have to. Although, i continue to needlessly do so. In my mind anyway. The only way i can think to not do it, is to not care, about anyone or anything. That way i am never hurt and i never leave myself open for a hit. I have also learned that someone will always take that hit. No matter who they are, or whether they know it or not. I hope you know that, though you may hate me, i still helped you today. I know you dont know that. But sometimes i wish i could just leave everyone and not help them. I mean, dont get me wrong, i love being needed, but for some people who i dont need, i wish you could have seen what i said for you today. Im so angry at myself for doing so. A part of me wanted to fuck you over, but i couldnt. I hope you realize that. But im sure you dont. Em called me possesive today. Its true. I, of course, call it protective, but she is right. I shall have to work on that. It has just occured to me in the past month or so, how much i love the rain. I MEAN LOVE. The first spring shower will probably make me cry. Thats how much i miss it. It makes me sick... in the best way possible. I am feeling slightly used at the moment. It may be all in my head, but perhaps i am. I dunno. My major problem right now is that i dont know how to feel or how am i supposed to feel. So instead i just dont. I just realized that i am hated. Its weird. I havent been hated in a while. hmm.

This list is for my own purposes... and i guess yours as well

Anger
resentment
compassion
confusion
doubt
possesive
a word that is like sad/depressed...
seclusion
intrusion
blah
GRRG

well, i believe that is all of the whining i can do for one nite... perhaps GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! umm... sorry guys, i didnt really mean to type that... it just sorta happened, when something else happened, and i loathe you for leaving. This is your doing. GRR

bye bye now..

ttfn, Jaryd

Jiggy status: Non exsistant

Monday, February 16, 2004

Well, may i just say that i am a very very angry person right now. At many people. Im tired of having a reason to be angry. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of being lied to to protect me. That hurts the most when i find out. I would rather you just be honest with me, then find out later that you lied to my fucking face. After i left myself wide open and vulnerable. Damn it. Every time i trust someone i get stabbed in the back and slapped in the face. This just fucking sucks ass. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY. SO FUCKING ANGRY AM I. seriously guys, i should have never done it. I should have never thought that we were friends and that they would have the decency to be honest with me, when i was being COMPLETLY honest with them. What is the point in telling the truth if you dont get it back. If i let you in on one of my insecurities i expect honesty in return. Not a nod, and then later on i find out that i have good reason to think that. FUCK. I FUCKING KNEW IT. but you couldnt tell me when we were talking about it. no no no. you had to lie and make me feel like a jack ass. THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH.

this fucking blog entry was fucking brought to you by the fucking word fuck.

All i have to say to you is go fuck yourself.


good nite
Ok, all i have to say is i told you so.


I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!

and now we can never go back.

fuck

Sunday, February 15, 2004

HELLO...

So...

Funny thing happened.

Ready?


Have you ever been talking about something and you have a fairly in depth conversation about it, and then it happens or you hear it or see it? I always love when stuff like that happens, it makes me smile really really big, and sometimes I laugh. Not because its funny, but because its so odd and coincidental. And then I say, "hey, I was just talking about ________ with _______ earlier today!" then other people laugh and go on their way. But I am left with this big grin on my face for no great reason. Just because it made me think of you, and how I would rather be hanging out with you than at work. (PS, Fuck... I hate my job). So, you know how on CJay they play the "Retro 80's and Lost 70's" on Saturday nite? Well they do, and it is one of my favourite times to listen to the radio. Anyway, there I was, washing the dishes, when all of the sudden I hear, "I'm Just a Jigalo... everywhere I go...". Thusly, my nite was made, and I didn't even care that in the kitchen they were making heart shaped pizzas and that Brody and Sarah were making out feet away from me.

You have no idea how glad I am that what may seem like very small minute things, really mean much more to me. Can you imagine what would happen if I looked over the small stuff, and ignored it. I would rather not. I would rather rejoice in the fact that I can find some happiness in things others would find meaningless.

That being said, I am going to a Hitmen game now... soon. And someone better invoke rage in another, so I can see some fighting. Just one big fight, that's all I want. Not 2 or 3... Just 1. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all are having a fun break of sorts... Well, I hope most of you are.

ttfn, Jaryd

PS. Live a Lie, Default

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Is it wrong to feel this uncomfortable. And why do i? I dont really understand. Maybe its cuz im tired... I wish to no longer feel uncomfortable/frustrated, i also wish to never go to bed frustrated/angry/upset, cuz then it just ruins ur whole day...

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME! YOURE FREAKING ME OUT... bah


ttfn, Jaryd

Have fun tomorrow guys...

PS, YOURE STILL DOING IT! STOP IT! you are acting like a child... AND NOW i shall let off a string of obsinities... FUCK YOU YOU CREEPY MOTHER FUCKER. why do i always pick the weird ones, then when i unpick them, they pick me, its like ok, leave me alone, you freak me out!!! Ya, that was kinda a lie, i dont always pick the weird ones... possesive, yes, but not weird... fuck this sucks.
I have also found my theme song... Just another example of how i prefer to live in a fantasy world...


Evanescence - Imaginary


I linger in the doorway
of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
let me stay
where the wind will whisper to me
where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me

don't say I’m out of touch
with this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
the nightmare I built my own world to escape

in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me

swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
the goddess of imaginary light

Gah...
Ok...

here is something all of you can read about, laugh about and then cry for me about. I was talking to Jolene about going out for coffee with Rob (just to clarify, WE ARE STRICTLY JUST FRIENDS) and i happened to mention his age... and do you know what she said to me. Even though she KNOWS that we are just friends. she says, "Jaryd, eventually 23 year old men expect something." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
what the fuck is goin on? I laughed at her. First of all, he is not man, he may or may not posess a penis, but either way that does not make him a man. BUT WAIT, theres more!!

She then proceeded to ask me "So are you a virgin?" to which i lied and said yes. Then it was "thats good and bad" WTF. I then responded with "do you want me to go meet someone and have sex with them?" then she said "When you have sex I hope its great. and that you have strong feelings for them. Not necisarrily love, but caring.." Oh my...


That being said, HAHAHAHAHA... that is all i can say about that conversation. HAHA

ttfn, Jaryd

(PS, Ill be here and there for a while (hours) cuz of laundry and such...)
I dont know why, but i just cant seem to write here. Everytime i try, i just delete it and leave you with my last blog entry of nothingness... Really wish i could write. But that is not possible.


Perhaps I shall try again later....


ttfn, Jaryd

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Well, 4 days... Thats so odd... I always blog regualrily. Sorry guys.

Wednesday, went to theatre calgary and afterwards, i saw my old director, Glenda Stirling, man i love that woman, shes so awesome. Apparently shes diercting a play... I wish to go see it...

Thursday, was crappy for more reasons than one. And no i do not wish to elaborate. Although I did see free theatre. My One and Only, by Cameron Clark (i think) anyway, it was ok... Afterwards sucked... then the suckiness moved its way into friday, and not everyone is sad in the world. just the way its supposed to be.. Blah, this sucks.

That is all for now...

ttfn, Jaryd

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Look at me and how fucking happy i am. (this is not sarcasm, i actually am really really happy) YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess what, I bought panties today. (that is not the main reason for my super awesome happiness) But girls, doesnt panty shopping make you happy. Its like, this crazy great feeling while rifling through the table at La... la.. ya i cant spell today, but you know what i mean. AND when you get a great deal on awesome panties its even better! (you shall not know what kind/colour i bought... sorry!)


Well that being said, this is my official Happy blog about panties (and other happy things). Know it, love it, and if you dont do either i dont care!

Schwanky!

Jaryd

Jiggy Status... SUPER JIGGY!

Monday, February 02, 2004

I need to stop this. Now. Why do I always get wrapped up in the possibility it is her over me. I mean it normally is. But why should i assume? I deny myself the possiblility by doing so. Im so fucking tired of living in her shadow. ALL THE TIME. I worry too much, justifyably worry, but nonetheless, i worry to much that i will never be like her or have what she has. Because i want it. So badly. I didnt think i did because i am the shadow, being cast aside in pursuit of her. Well fuck that. This sucks. And i refuse to sit her like this any longer. Why should i worry that she is there? Why should i worry that she is better/more important/prettier/funnier/whatever than me. Well I know why I worry. Everyone tells me that i shouldnt. Well you know what. I worry because it happens over and over and over again and im fucking tired of it. So dont tell me not to worry, because i have good reason.
A big ass bus with a satellite dish, a double-decker double wide, says:
oh for fucks sake jaryd just do it
A big ass bus with a satellite dish, a double-decker double wide, says:
doooo it
A big ass bus with a satellite dish, a double-decker double wide, says:
doooooooooo it

Sunday, February 01, 2004

This is my second favourite bar song... gotta love em
(this song must have been written for Jolene)

The Eagles - Get Over It


I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little fingers at everbody else
spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven't been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if they gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers - kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work; you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, get over it

It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ass

Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it

PISCES

Monday, February 2, 2004 (Today)

A child in your life will make things all the more pleasant. Any romantic flirtations that have been building recently will accelerate and may start to establish a pattern.
DRAMA 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well...
First off, Renee loved her present. Which was material in no way. It was a collection of little things/memories throughout our five year and a half year friendship. She is the longest female friend I have ever had. I always seem to fall out with the others... Most times it doesn't bother me.

Second, Karaoke... OMG. We (Rob Renee and I) went to a Karaoke bar... It was pretty busy. I liked it cuz it wasn't just a bunch of 18 year olds running around drunk. There was a WIDE variety of ages. This one guy, I believe his name was Les/Lex/Rex sang Renee a song for her birthday. You are so beautiful to me, by Joe Cocker. Now this guy had been conversing with me previously about his little tribute for her birthday. Man this guy was sooo funny onstage. He made the worst faces possible... If Timmy were to sing Joe Cocker, he would have looked like that guy last nite. So funny. Also really really drunk people should NOT sing Karaoke. If you cannot keep up with the words as they go by on the screen, then maybe you should sit down. One guy was ATTEMPTING Baby Got Back, it was so horrid that the bar was paying more attention to Renee and I (who knew all the words) then the drunk one onstage. Ahh, Good times. Renee made me sing with her...Well she guiltted me into it... I didn't really want to, so, I kept the drinks coming until I didn't care how bad it was!!

Third, Paralyzers are far too good. They go down way too easily and thusly I drank too many to quickly... Perhaps I shall find a different drink... Or not...

Fourth, since Rob used to work there the Bartender wasn't really keeping track of our drinks... Thusly meaning we went home with money. Seriously fun times.

Fifth, I cannot play pool AT ALL after 6 drinks. Or maybe its cuz we were playing doubles against a pool shark... fucker. His name was Dustin, 25, fav band: David usher... That is all... I remember...

Sixth, I remember everything from last nit. I think, well obviously it appears to me that I remember anything. I defiantly remember the after party at Dennys in the potty. All I can say is that that is a must when someone turns 18. Praying to the porcelain goddess... That was funny.

Seventh, the best part of the nite was talking to Rob while Renee was pukin' in da potty. He does little things that he knows make me happy and I love that we can just sit and talk for hours and that he trusts me. grr...

Eighth, I had a really awesome time last nite. Forthemost part.

Ninth, Have you ever seen something, went to touch it and then at the last second pulled away? That makes me sad. I need to stop doing that.

perhaps that is all. OH, I finally found the whole band version of My Immortal. It gives me goosebumps...

ttfn, Jaryd