Well, i must say that my week is just getting better and better... Its only tuesday and already it blows. I had a lovely sob fest with Kels though. For an hour. Had 4 smokes. and cried. It felt good. I dont know why I chose to talk to her and not someone else. It just sorta happened. Perhaps because i havent seen her in a while. Well, ya know what i mean. I figured something out today. I always feel like i have to compete even though i know i dont have to. Does that make any sense? It pisses me off cuz i hate competing. Its dumb and i dont feel like i should have to. Although, i continue to needlessly do so. In my mind anyway. The only way i can think to not do it, is to not care, about anyone or anything. That way i am never hurt and i never leave myself open for a hit. I have also learned that someone will always take that hit. No matter who they are, or whether they know it or not. I hope you know that, though you may hate me, i still helped you today. I know you dont know that. But sometimes i wish i could just leave everyone and not help them. I mean, dont get me wrong, i love being needed, but for some people who i dont need, i wish you could have seen what i said for you today. Im so angry at myself for doing so. A part of me wanted to fuck you over, but i couldnt. I hope you realize that. But im sure you dont. Em called me possesive today. Its true. I, of course, call it protective, but she is right. I shall have to work on that. It has just occured to me in the past month or so, how much i love the rain. I MEAN LOVE. The first spring shower will probably make me cry. Thats how much i miss it. It makes me sick... in the best way possible. I am feeling slightly used at the moment. It may be all in my head, but perhaps i am. I dunno. My major problem right now is that i dont know how to feel or how am i supposed to feel. So instead i just dont. I just realized that i am hated. Its weird. I havent been hated in a while. hmm.

This list is for my own purposes... and i guess yours as well

Anger
resentment
compassion
confusion
doubt
possesive
a word that is like sad/depressed...
seclusion
intrusion
blah
GRRG

well, i believe that is all of the whining i can do for one nite... perhaps GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! umm... sorry guys, i didnt really mean to type that... it just sorta happened, when something else happened, and i loathe you for leaving. This is your doing. GRR

bye bye now..

ttfn, Jaryd

Jiggy status: Non exsistant