Hello Blog and blog readers alike... Im so tired. I can barely type... But of course i wont go to sleep... Today i got really frustrated and had to leave the line run we so desperately needed at lunch. I dont think i have ever felt so defeated, it just wasnt worth my time. It sucked. Tomorrow is the play. Im not as nervous as i was earlier on in the week, but still. This morning Dan was in the theatre and everyone was goofing around backstage and i went out there and asked if he needed any help, he said he needed a hug. How upsetting is that. For me it was very upsetting because he has been a big part of my life for five years. Anyway, i know my lines, so thats all i can control right. Right.

I want to give a shout out to my homey T-Dawg for helping me with various umm, "tasks" over the past couple of days. Word to yo' Momma, yo.

Tomorrow is the last day i will perform on that stage. This is the third time i have said that statement in the past 4 months. Everything thing i have known to be constant is gone. Its all been taken away from me with the passing of one date in time. Poof. Onto the next stage which will also disappear inevitably. Whats the use? Oh ya, thats right, "all the world's a stage"... mmmyes....

I was sitting in Baraka this am with my second coffee of the day with nothing to do. Then I re-wrote my quotes from "The Notebook" and sat there. Then POP! ***write write write write*** "How am I supposed to move on, when you're the only thing that moves me." I thought it was clever.

That being said i must be off to bed. Gotta perform in a play tomorrow... 

You. You who can make me cry and laugh in the same conversation. Is that normal? Because its very emotionally straining. Oh well. It needed to be done anyway. The ultimate stress relief besides murder.

I seem to be extremely emotional lately. I dont like it. It makes me feel bad about myself and then i dont want to be around anyone. This is especially hard because im in a play. It's hard to be alone in that situation. But anyway. I dont really feel like talking. Im in a box...

ttfn, Jaryd...

I dont want to fall asleep and dream of you anymore, I just want to wake up and see you laying there, for real.

**** TIME PASSES****

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just got a hold of my Uncle... And guess what!!!
IM GOING TO EDMONTON! OMG! Im going to visit Cory and We're gonna go camping for 2 days just us and then im gonna go see him at Jubilations. If everything goes to plan. *does girly action here*

Also, i have a theory. I think that when i have a fairly crappy day the rain comes. Except in winter of course. But i wanted it to rain so bad today, and then it did. And aparently will again...

I have to go write an email...!

ttfn, Jaryd

Hello... So yes. Parental Units are out of town for another nite. Im very proud of myself not having any parties. Ive been the daughter they think i am. Ive had fun though. Last nite Lauryn stayed over and we watched (and by we i mean i fell aslpeep) Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I also took Ian to the football game which was fun. I miss him muchly. It was so fucking hot. I got a burn. But today its mostly a tan. SO YAY!

This morning, we ate chocolate ice cream for breakfast whislt watching Two Weeks Notice (a good chick flick...) Now I am downloading sappy songs. Its fun...

ttfn, Jaryd

(PS: Tristan, do you wanna go for a slurpee tonite? :D)

So im pretty good. My last week of the play is coming up. Im happy and sad of course. Im looking forward to the rest of my summer though. REALLY REALLY REALLY looking forward to it.

I have realized that in Ian's eyes no boy will EVER be good enough for me. Even if I disagree. I guess thats a good thing.

On that note, i kinda woke up crying today. I miss Cory. It pisses me off. I barely see him all year then he visits me for only 2 days, but he leaves such an impact on me. He is amazing.

Tristan comes back tomorrow! YAY! YAY! YAY!

I also have to thank Jaclyn repeatedly for the photobucket reference... but you dont own my soul. that was bet long ago and lost long ago. :)

ttfn, Jaryd

I didnt wear it today, and i survived. I also went to see a movie tonite. Defiantely not the best decision ive made lately, but it was necissary. I went and saw "The Notebook". It was really good. All i have to write about it is this quote.

"Their romance was an improbable one. Him being from the country and her from the city."

Thats really all i have to say besides that i am confirming dates for the end of august.... 30 days away.

ttfn, Jaryd

So... Last nite i was utterly depressed cuz i was supposed to be going out with Cory on his last nite in town. Then his mom made him stay home to spend time with his aunt. I didnt think i would see him again. Then at 1145 Dan(my director)'s cell phone rang and he said, "Jaryd, if you could meet Cory at 12 at Centre Court, he would appreciate it." There was no way i could contain myself, i kinda screamed, but a lil girly scream... And then, I walked up the stairs from our rehearsal hall and there he was. Just for me. I gave him a hug obviously and we set out on our last hour together. It was lovely. We made lots of plans for the future, which is weird cuz i dont really plan into the future. Especially after University. I have never felt like this. I want to throw up. Hes gonna try and come down to see my performance. ***NOTE*** Im performing in a play at the Engineered Air Theatre on July 30, 2004 at 430pm, you are invited, but let me know if you are coming***NOTE***. I hope he can because 2 days isnt enough. But even if he cant come down, Jolene told me that i could take the car and drive up to see him in August. Im so excited. Now i just have to plan it out. And hes gonna come visit me too. Now i want to cry, vomit, and smile. Oh wait, i cant stop crying and smiling. Its weird, but great...

The book im reading is awesome. Theres a quote in it, that i read today (which is really perfect timing for the way im feeling) and i shall type it for you now.

"According to quantum mechanics, the heavy particles that make up atoms behave in peculiar, unpredictable ways. Sometimes they orbit, sometimes they act like waves. Sometimes two particles a million miles apart will interact with each other with no obvious connection between them." " I cannot accept that you can touch someone's core ... and not see him again. It's inevitable that we will orbit once more."

 

At about 5 pm i was sitting at Baraka with Jason and Lauryn and all of the sudden it felt like someone took a long pointy object and stuck it in my heart and out my left arm. I thought i was having a heart attack. I yelped in pain. Then it was gone. It was weird. Anyone have any ideas? I think i know what it was... but i dunno.

If i could stop the tab from automatically being on i would. Just so you know... Have a good nite guys...

ttfn, Jaryd

Call me Crazy if you want...

there were signs today. I tried to ignore them. But i knew they were there. For example, I said i only see you 364 days a year... but you are in town for 3 days. The theory of bad timing was always popping up. Someone said they didnt have any lint. And the biggest one of all was the Elevator... It wasnt working today. Today was supposed to be the day. But i figured it out too late. Yesterday was today and i treated it like yesterday. If i had known it would be like that i would have, wait, no i wouldnt have. Yesterday was yesterday. We planned too far ahead. We cant control everything. Especially our futures, whether they be together or not. Its just bad timing. All of it. It feels so right though.
One day i will look back on this and say, see... I wasnt crazy. We just had to wait for the right time. Then we will get our movie ending. Or maybe im just an emotional mess right now. I hope you know i love you. and everytime i see you its like you never left and we just picked up where we left off... under the stars.

ttfn, Jaryd

Ok... Wow.
 
1. Almost Vomitted in nervous anticipation.
2. We had a movie moment, running acrossed the parking lot of Sunridge Spectrum into each others arms.
3. Your mom said she should have brought her camera
4. Slight akwardness, but quickly passed.
5. You taught me a game
6. Mild innocent undertone in conversation...
7. The look.
8. The movie.
9. The identical laugh, which was really weird because for a moment i forgot who i was sitting beside.
10. Curfew...
11. "what time do you have to be home".  "i have to wake up early so not too late" "How about now then." 'You want to go home now?" "No."
12. the jolt of what seems to be electricty that goes through my body everytime we happen to touch.
13. The airplanes.
14. So whats going on?
15.20 questions...
16. Blue Eyes that see right through me
17. The best part: "so what are you doing tomorrow after class" " something with you?" "yes"
 
Hes so tall, and hes changed a lil. But i still know who he is and i still love him. Who knows... I loathe my bad timing.
 
*sigh*
Jaryd...
 

 
(inhale) BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I just got the email i have been waiting for for months. The dates are set, and Cory will be gracing me with his presence tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHHH! Were gonna go see a movie. I wanted a bunch of you to meet him, but some of you are out of town (shakes fist), some of you are too protective and hes not staying for long... *sigh*... Im so excited i may throw up.
 
But i have to go get ready for a pool party BBQ thing... so i will vomit later...
 
TTFN, SUPERIFICALLY JIGGY (exhale) 

The rain just isnt the same without you....
 
There is this exercise that we do in class and it involves visualizing a peaceful place that makes you feel comfortable and safe, a "happy place" if you will. Normally my happy place is pretty typical. Flowery, watery and pretty. But this year, when asked to find that place all i could visualize was you and the places we hang out most often. That is where i feel the most relaxed and safe. You are my happy place...
 
ttfn, Jaryd

Well... I have finally done it. Ive been meaning to do this for many many months. I have managed to compose a whole cd of songs about rain/songs with the word rain in them. I know, im a loser, but there is nothing left to do. They arent all sad songs. I mean, most of them are, but there are a few happy ones. So in about 8 minutes, i will have my new favourite cd... I have no doubt that i will be overwhelmed with completely joy and utter sadness all at once, but that is usually how i feel anyhow. Oooo 7 minutes. I can hardly contain myself!

ttfn, Jaryd

Everywhere i go, there you are. I try my best not to think about how much i want to see you, but then someone mentions something that i can indirectly relate to you. Or I hear a song that reminds me of you, or i go by a place where memories lie and all i can think of is how much this sucks. Sometimes i zone out and a moment with you pops into my head and i start to laugh out loud. The people around me think im crazy so i have to explain it to them. Have i mentioned that it sucks? I had this feeling that you were back in town on saturday and that you lied to me and i was going to see you at 9 am this morning, but i was wrong. Perhaps i just wanted it too badly. It sucks. Then i walked down the hallway where we used to walk and i passed by the door to the elevator where we spent so many lunch hours just aimlessly jumping. But its just the past and i cant get over it. I dont want to. I miss you so much. This is so unfair that you are not here and i am not there. Why is this possible. It shouldnt be allowed. Why should we have to live so far away from each other but feel so close. Close. Thats the only reason i went to Nashville North on Friday. Aaron Lines was there and he sings the song. The one that reminds me of you most. Every line in there is so true for us. How perfect is it that its title is "Close". I want to scream in frustration. I just want you to be near me. Not just in my heart and mind, but in my eyes. Apparently that is too much to ask. Im trying desperatly to look on the bright side, but everytime i have something to look forward to with you it fades away. I hate this. I hate this feeling i have that i need you but i cant have you. It fucking sucks. I dont know how much more of this i can take. I dont want to give up on this idea though. I mean i know it would be better if i did, but what if i give up then the next day you here? What then? I cant just undo my decision, and i will feel like crap knowing that the day before what i want to happen does ive decided that for my sake, i will throw what ive wanted for the last year away. I cant do that. I dont work like that. So i guess ill just keep hoping. Hoping and hoping thats all i seem to do. Maybe one day all of this angst and frustration will fade away because you will be here. I dont know. I can only hope.

On a different note. Not completely different, but whatever. im reminded of you everywhere i go too. I miss you. So much so that im counting the days. Someone won a prize at Nashville North on Friday, and guess where they were from... Hope. Its very true what they say. You never know how much you need someone until they are gone. But you will be back soon. You promised...

I started my theatre program today and i realized how very old i am. Im feeling my age with the people in that class, this is my fifth year, and many of them are but 14 or 15. There are a few old friends there which is good. But for the most part i just wanted to say "SHUT THE FUCK UP". For instance, this one girl described one of her experiances as "gay" most people laughed. Its not that funny. In fact, i wanted to flip out. It really irritates me, perhaps i will bring her a thesaurus.

feeling rather pathetic,

Jaryd

Otay. This needs to stop because im starting to get dehydrated. I cried all morning, then hung out with Renee for a few hours, and when i got home i cried all nite. I cant control it. I know why Im crying and its not going to get any better anytime soon.

There is this person, and it makes me sad to know that i want to stay in contact with him but i probably wont. I really want to, but in the back of my mind i know it wont happen. High school ends and so do associations.

And i hate to admit it... but ive started making little icons. Like loser LJ's do, just kidding. Its rather amusing. And more time consuming than i thought. I enjoy screwing around with pictures though. Its good times.

thats all for now. Im sad. Really really sad...

ttfn, Jaryd

(ps, the nails on my right hand grow quicker than the nails on my left, just so you know) ;)

Hello...
Im rather tired, which is probably why im in this mood that im in. I dont like this mood. This is the one where my heart tells me that i have nothing to look forward to. My mind knows different, but there is no telling that to my heart. I hear Jeff's voice saying "God Jaryd, youre so emo." And i shall say that i cant help it. Im sad.

Theatre Calgary starts on Monday so that should be fun. I want to walk in there and see his face. And then i want to hit him for lying to me even though i know what he meant when he did it. I miss him and i cant stand waiting around for an email. I just want to touch him for real. This is torturous...


Im going to see Aaron Lines on Friday, he sings the song that i associate with him. It will be good times. Now if only i can wish for rain that nite. That would make it peachy. Then on sunday im going to see Adam Gregory. I like him a lot too. Nice little country boy. GAH! And now im going to sigh.

Thats pretty much all to report... I miss everyone dearly and i cant wait til all of you are back. You all had to leave at once didnt you...

Otay, well, i should go continue to stay up til the wee hours of the morning elsewhere. So i will say bye bye now!

ttfn, Jaryd

Sometimes you feel like you want to go up on a hill and wait for emissaries from your home planet to beam you up. Sit and breathe. Don't worry -- a kindred spirit is just around the corner.

I Kinda do feel lost at the moment... The good things and the not so good things are just sort of evening out to leave me in a lovely state of meh. Im still smiling though. So im not as lost as i could be. Or maybe im more lost than im letting myself and others believe. Oh well.

Sushi with my Momma is yummier than sushi without.

ttfn, Jiggy

Hey... Im going camping today...

Last nite was for the most part fun. I am a little sad though, but thats for many reasons. I had a good time though.


ttfn, Jarebear

PS... Backstage pass to Canada Day Performances... it was awesome! :D