Everywhere i go, there you are. I try my best not to think about how much i want to see you, but then someone mentions something that i can indirectly relate to you. Or I hear a song that reminds me of you, or i go by a place where memories lie and all i can think of is how much this sucks. Sometimes i zone out and a moment with you pops into my head and i start to laugh out loud. The people around me think im crazy so i have to explain it to them. Have i mentioned that it sucks? I had this feeling that you were back in town on saturday and that you lied to me and i was going to see you at 9 am this morning, but i was wrong. Perhaps i just wanted it too badly. It sucks. Then i walked down the hallway where we used to walk and i passed by the door to the elevator where we spent so many lunch hours just aimlessly jumping. But its just the past and i cant get over it. I dont want to. I miss you so much. This is so unfair that you are not here and i am not there. Why is this possible. It shouldnt be allowed. Why should we have to live so far away from each other but feel so close. Close. Thats the only reason i went to Nashville North on Friday. Aaron Lines was there and he sings the song. The one that reminds me of you most. Every line in there is so true for us. How perfect is it that its title is "Close". I want to scream in frustration. I just want you to be near me. Not just in my heart and mind, but in my eyes. Apparently that is too much to ask. Im trying desperatly to look on the bright side, but everytime i have something to look forward to with you it fades away. I hate this. I hate this feeling i have that i need you but i cant have you. It fucking sucks. I dont know how much more of this i can take. I dont want to give up on this idea though. I mean i know it would be better if i did, but what if i give up then the next day you here? What then? I cant just undo my decision, and i will feel like crap knowing that the day before what i want to happen does ive decided that for my sake, i will throw what ive wanted for the last year away. I cant do that. I dont work like that. So i guess ill just keep hoping. Hoping and hoping thats all i seem to do. Maybe one day all of this angst and frustration will fade away because you will be here. I dont know. I can only hope.

On a different note. Not completely different, but whatever. im reminded of you everywhere i go too. I miss you. So much so that im counting the days. Someone won a prize at Nashville North on Friday, and guess where they were from... Hope. Its very true what they say. You never know how much you need someone until they are gone. But you will be back soon. You promised...

I started my theatre program today and i realized how very old i am. Im feeling my age with the people in that class, this is my fifth year, and many of them are but 14 or 15. There are a few old friends there which is good. But for the most part i just wanted to say "SHUT THE FUCK UP". For instance, this one girl described one of her experiances as "gay" most people laughed. Its not that funny. In fact, i wanted to flip out. It really irritates me, perhaps i will bring her a thesaurus.

feeling rather pathetic,

Jaryd