you have to be the center of your universe

tonite was pretty awesome. I walked into Gerrys tonite and Ryan greeted me with a "hello beautiful". hes so sweet. then Rebecca and i had a nice chat and i told her that i wanted to give this miserable server a christmas card. then we went to shoppers and got her a book, a santa sucker, a pack of her smokes and a card. we called a truce. then Ryan told me that shes never recieved a gift from a customer before and everyone else there has. she told Rebecca and I that she really liked it and thanked us. so hopefully that made her day a bit better. Rebecca told me that i was her best friend. she also asked me how i was. it occured to me that most of the time i really dont know how i am. mostly im everything at once. im happy about one thing, sad about something, and mad about another all the time. so i lie and generalize and say im good. good isnt the right word, but normal for me is always having mixed emotions about where my life is. Im spending Rebeccas first nite at her new place with her. and then Ryan, Rebecca and I are going to have a drunken movie filled sleepover. its gonna be awesome. i realized something tonite. ive been in denile for a while over it. so i guess the river ran dry. the truth came out and i think im ok with it. Rebecca gave me my Christmas present tonite. im excited. were gonna spend a day together and go to this art gallery and then to an art store where i get to spend some of her money and then to dinner at my favourite restaurant. it should be fun : ) what else... Ryan is awesome. He's really interesting to talk to and he appears to be far sighted. well actually, i think he just gets it. in general, whats happening obviously and what is not on the immediate surface he sees. its kind of odd because normally im that person that sees the obvious and the rest. mostly i just like his company and his honesty.

im off tomorrow/today... im gonna sleep. maybe wrap some more christmas presents. and eventually, im going to forgive her. then tell her that we cannot keep in contact. its a defense mechanism and it works. an opportunity has presented itself. soon i will have another way to express my artistic nature. im excited about it, hesitant, but excited.

ttfn, Jiggy.