So... I think this will work. Its crazy how just one person can put this idea in my head everytime. Not that it wasnt there before. this is my 4th attempt at it and... Well, I have consumed far far too many mints for today. And no caffine or nicotine. Probably not the best addictions to quit cold turkey on the same day. Mind you i didnt actually quit my coffee addiction... I just didnt have a coffee today. Yes... So im really just typing to give my hands something to do... I hate how i let it control me. Smoking is the easy way out. A temporarily relief of undesirable stress. If it were permanent maybe it would be worth while. OH! QUEER AS FOLK IS ON TONITE!!! YAY! Gay soaps!! hehe... gay... soaps... wow, i never thought about that before. I need to cleanse my mind. Mind you i probably wouldnt have as much fun if i do. Ahh... memories...So ya. I have decided to wait the week out then say Fuck it. Well, ill try my hardest but chances are, it wont work because I... am a loser... yes... thats right. Boo yaw. I have a lot of anger and bitterness that i shall be dealing with shortly. For example. Grr... and oh ya! Grr... i always pick the best week to start this... If i make it through the next 2 weeks i should be alright for a few months. Until someone really pisses me off and i continue on my spiralling path of death... yes... Wow. I just mentioned 2 things... one gets a week, and the other gets 2. Its funny, last year Ian was hell bent on getting me to quit smoking, and i paused for a few months, then he flipped out when he found out i had started again. Thats when I told him i would rather die slowly then quickly. And i just had a thought tonite.... I am not even gonna know him when i die. We will be long gone from each others lives. separated. Doesnt anyone else realize this yet? I dont think you do. Why cant i just forget about it until the time comes to say goodbye? Oh ya thats right. Its because I wanna spend the rest of the time i have with them missing them and torture myself as much as possible. **Side note** "__", you do not know how this feels for me and thusly please continue to stab me in the back. Its great, in the worst way possible. Dustin and Ian are my 2 oldest friends... and im not gonna see them after high school. well i might but it will never be the same. Anyway, im gonna try to live more for right now. That shall be my goal. Second to not smoking. I think it will be the most difficult this time. I dont know why. I just get that feeling. Maybe i do need a straw, or just someone/something else to keep my mind working on. Someone offered to buy me a cd if i dont smoke for a month. It makes me happy that i know i couldnt lie about it. I could easily say that i hadnt smoked, even if i had, but i know that if i get that cd it will be because i earned it... reward me with music... hmm... interesting concept.
Luv, Jaryd