so... i hope my 18th birthday is a exciting as this one... by which i mean... WHAT THE HELL... i am payin to be on the net... in a place that is 10 minutes from my house... with my bestfriends who i love... but they are many computers away so i find this redundant... waahoo for being able to LEGALLY buy smokes liquor and lottery tickets and be HERE in NET PLANET... seriously... wtf mike...ANYWAY i had an interesting nite last nite... i had a "pity party" which consisted of emily and i drinkin a smirnoff ice 7% (sorry tristan), 1/4 bottle of sour puss 15% (sorry ian), half a bottle of rootbeer schnapps 21% (sorry tyler) all in half an hour while listening to the crappiest music and when i say crappy i mean music that intensified our mood of sucky... then em and i danced around my living room whilst screaming the lyrics to i will survive which was positively delightful... THEN becuase of my intent to get REALLY REALLY drunk i made mike buy me a bottle of rum 41% (sorry) so u see... the alcohol content slowly increased with each type of liquor... then my boys came over for a bit and i was so happy... becuase i needed to tell ian something and i had to do it before dustin opened his trap thinking he was protecting me...anyway! i was more nervous tellin ian then dustin which was whacked cuz there reactions were opposite of what i thought they would be (dustin responded like i thought ian would and vice versa) at any rate i realize that you really can, not talk to people all summer and still have the same relationship that you began with...:P i love them... nothin bad can happen to me while im in their arms and for that i am eternally grateful for them...then kels came over and the pity party continued you would think that i would not have been able to get up this morning like my fairweather friend tristan (grrrrr :P) but i did... then proceeded to vacuum and slowly bring my house to order so my parental units wouldnt know about the crazy weekend i had... and when i say crazy... i really really mean it... there were 4 male articles of clothin left at my house which i am quite QUITE happy that i found... most of which should have stay on the boys... but for sum reason didnt...:S then i went to drop sum things off and got strangled today... ya that was great fun... fuckin bastard...
Picinicing is fun... although i wasnt really in the mood today becuase of prior events but i eventually got into it no matter what mood im in i cant pass up the opportunity to laugh... so overall i suppose my day was good... coulda been better... coulda been worse...
The weekend is over and every nite has its dawn... and my parents are back in town...
i will probably blog again tonite... cuz i have no life now...

Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
true... for the most part...
grr... kinda upset... but otay i suppose... for now, i just wish this sharp weird feeling would go away soon... but it wont...:(

oh and i hate horoscopes.. they are for the most part... right... i dont really know what they mean half the time til its too late... but i suppose there is nothing u can do about it!
oh and
Blah

this is what i think
blah...
thats all...
blah blah blah


blah

Officially...
I am quite happy... happier than ive been in a while... and by a while i mean a couple of weeks...but none the less happy!! YAY!! YAY FOR HAPPY!!!
HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
slightly less happy... but still happy none the less!
ANYWAY... hmmm... i went shopping today... i got my hair done (YAY) and then... i partied... my parents have left for the weekend (YAY) and this has been the best party ive had all summer... good company... good liquor... good times...(YAY)

Hey! I got my pictures back from Theatre Calgary and i am so fricken happy!!!!!!!!!! and sad... all in one...


All i wanted was one picture of you so i could remember all of the moments with you, and now, now i have that picture among many others... I will cherish them... And they will go into my Journal of knowledge... Thoughts that i wish i had thought before it was too late...

Daily Flirt
August 19, 2003

It may be time to stop hiding your feelings for a certain someone. Trust your own intuition. Are you ready to 'fess up to what you're feeling?


maybe i will....

Well, i am about the happiest person right now... oh did i write happy? i meant UNHAPPY... yes... i miss everyone so much... i lost a best friend i didnt even know i had til he was gone and now i feel completely lost... I knew we were friends... but never better than that.... not even when he TOLD me we were did it actually click that maybe i do care about him... Well, now i know, and know it sucks cuz im so stupid! I miss him more than words can say even though i keep trying to feel better by writing... i write here, i write in my journal thing, but still, nothing takes away my pain... only time, time that i dont want to spend missing him, i want to spend it with him...

i cannot...

I woke up this morning with the worst feeling... And that feeling was one of truth. The truth is that youre gone, and i quite possibly wont see you again for a year... or worst yet... never again. I also know that for the most part we feel the same way about each other and the truth is that we are both hurting right now, because we were each others addictions. For 3 weeks... And now, we have been forced to quit cold turkey, no weining off, nothing. The supply has run dry because you are far far away, and i am here, without you. Our only contact is msn and maybe a few phone calls, but is that really enough? Can we survive without seeing each other almost everyday... right now i dont know if i can becuase everything reminds me of you... songs, movies, phrases... everything. My only comfort is knowing that you are missing me too... Im suffering alone and with you all at the same time. 3 weeks and you have changed me. just 3 weeks and it seems like i only just met you 3 minutes ago... and there is so much information in my head that you gave me and so many wonderful memories, that can only be memories and will never be forgotten even if sometimes i wish I had the opportunity to make all the hurt disappear now, i wouldnt. Because then i would never have known you and i know that i cannot remember being as happy for such an extended period... You helped me smoke, swear and cry less... until you left... then i cried over and over.... Who would have thought i could have become so attached so quickly... we are so alike... in 3 weeks with you i cant think of one thing that we didnt have in common... not one... im sure there are things, but they werent important enough to be mentioned. Sometimes it felt like you were in my brain, finishing my sentences, singing the same songs... it was wonderful... And this morning on the radio every single flipping song had something to do with how i felt... no matter what station i listened to... I have NEVER cried so much over a guy before... Not even when Ian and dustin started ditching me off and were to busy for me and ive been friends with them for almost 5 years. then there was you... 3 weeks and you are the only person i can think about... and why is that? because i cant see you... and thusly will never have as much fun... until we meet again...
whenever that will be... It cant end like this, the last few weeks were so beautiful that it cannot end like this. I refuse to think it is over... I care to much for it to be finished... we can keep going... I hope

*^*Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end (of course, closing time was one the radio this morining)

So... Last nite... I cried... I cried because i already miss someone who isnt gone... Its messed up... I wrote 3 pages of tears last nite in spite of my insomnia... And now... part of what i wrote will be on a wall, not my wall, but his wall, because he loved it... and is putting it on his fucking wall... i should be happy, but nothing can comfort me enough... so i cry...
And... apparently we are a happy couple... BLAH and todays horoscope was perfect for today by the way

Tomorrows horoscope...
More partnership tension is attributable to the casual way you speak about your significant other. It is time to call this person by a formal title in front of everyone you meet and to whom you make introductions.
ALSO
It's time to turn your words into actions. You've been in the planning stage long enough. Get organized and get this idea off the ground. You need to do this for yourself.

Grrr............................... Why is everything so complicated! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY




why?

emily, we have fallen off the face of the earth... we are now on different planets AND THAT SUCKS ASS
... when i say emily, you respond with Keeler so i can find you!!!
Emily?....
Em?
Molly ringwald?
NO!!!!!!!!
I spent some extra curricular hours with ____ today... and _____ it was fun... Never a dull moment with those 2... I will miss them muchly... They are leaving.... never to be heard from again... cuz they dont live here... they live in other places and that blows.... I am quite attached to both of them now and thusly may be sappy for a while... sry guys...
Also... i went to an open call for acting/modelling and they said i was a beautiful gurl but not what theyre looking for right now... which i suppose is a compliment unless they say that to everyone... in which case i will still take it as a compliment cuz damn right im beautiful! lol... I met a nice fag there as well... I am a fag magnet... good times :P also.... i am going to write a screen play... or just a play... not sure...the story line will be... Ghetto Gurl meets Farm boy... inspired by ____! It will be a winner!!! lol
peace
ps... sorry for all the blanks... if ur that interested call me and i shall let you in...:P

Why... why did u have to let me in... I could have said good bye so much easier if you hadnt...

Well... tonite i went to see Johnny English... which was fab... mostly because of Rowan Atkonsin and the fact that Cock was said in the place of fuck...(COCK UP) good times... the company was great and i had an all around fun nite.
oh ya... 1 cute boy + movie = good times
ttfn
ps... I love you em! i wanna talk to you and i shall try and call u later hence it is 1230 ish... :D

I LOVE A PERFECT CIRCLE
IT IS DSHIZNAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
em... i hope you havin fun and give me a call!... again....

EMILY WILL YOU BLOG ALREADY I AM MISSING YOUR BLOGS!!!!!!!!! ITS BEEN 2 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG IM GOIN INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOHTOHOTHOTHOTHOHTOHot

I always see you smiling at me... your laughing at yourself or me, or just smiling because you know its one of your best features. I see the way your blue eyes sparkle under the reflection from your glasses and i know you see the good in everyone. And the fact that you pay attention to all the details in my life that i have let you in on floors me. We connect on a level that does not involve our voices and sometimes it seems like your in my head! i bring up a funny part of a movie and you finish it off... we have the same interests and are easily amused... and i mean easily! elevators and lint... good times... Sometimes i think about the first day i met you and how all the "new people" were sectioned off... then i came and talked to all of you and you stood right in front of me so i could only see you and all of your 6'6 glory... that was when we first really met... And the week and a half i have spent with you has been pretty much the best time of my summer. I cant wait to talk to you every morning and when its almost time to leave i try and think of somewhere you could accompany to... it never works, we are never alone someone is always tagging alone, no matter how hard we try... except for today... those 20 minutes... as short as they seemed they were just ours... then... they were broken. by someone who feels EXACTLY the same way about you as i do...only you dont know about either of us... maybe her... but not me... I am too afraid, and as such you will probably never know any of this... but thats ok, cuz after the 16th ill probably never see you again and all that could come from you knowing it is hurt... just mine... or if im lucky, both of us... isnt that fucked up... i would rather not tell you something that could potentially eat me up inside then cause hurt when either way im damned if i do, damned if i dont... there is no point anymore, all i can hope is that this conversation never comes up... or that you bring it up... and if you do bring it up, please dont hurt me like the others, i would much rather it be ignored.

Unattainable guys = What Jaryd goes after....BLAH!

2 nites ago i had one of the best conversations online... they dont happen very often, you know, the kind of convos that are long and flowing and lovely! it was odd and i was surprised that i was having such a convo with someone i barely knew... Its amazing how you can just connect with people that quickly. AND that the only thing you know about each other is the one hobby you share, until that one hobby turns into 2, then 3 and so on, until you finally figure out the person you are talking to is indubably one of the funnest people you know and no matter how many fun people there are in your life, when u meet another it just becomes all the more exciting. I can remember having these sorts of chats with someone else last summer... We were basically each others world because of uncontrollabe circumstances and talked endlessly about nothing and everything. And when threatened with the thought of not being ably to talk to them, i went insane.... and so did they. That is focusing too much on one person and not the big picture... Then eventually our priorities changed, summer ended and we went back to the way we were, almost forgetting but trying so hard to maintain our importance to each other. Until finally, it ended. Its both of our faults, and i must remember that... People change and thusly so do relationships. So i guess this is good bye... Last summer it seemed i had everything, now i know i had nothing.


No matter how hard i try, i still love you.

Brilliant

HELLO EMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is only to emily cuz shes the only person that i know of that reads my blog.... but if there is more then you can read too....

i am super.... look at me blog for you.... blog blog blog....
i cleaned today.... and came home.... and cleaned out my email... and and... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
im so bored....
bye bye