In Our Darkest Hour We're All Just Shades of Grey
[b] call me at my moms if you want to, the # is 235-4508 i would like to hear your voice. call me please i work tonight and tomorrow so call either during the day or sunday. luvyou know who
my past is catching up to me...
im not running from it, at least i wasnt until a week or so ago. now i feel as though i have to. i was fine without her. i had moved on just fine after she torn my fucking heart out. the friendship ended in the worst possible way. in her eyes i was the terrible friend. and there were all these things that i was doing wrong. and that she was the only one who was mistreated. im not saying that i was perfect in the friendship, but come on, relationships are fifty fifty. the worst part of our last conversation was that she said that i was never there for her. ever. that i always left her to deal with whatever she was going through on her own. i have this problem sometimes, when i sacrifice myself for another person. i go out of my way to help them and sometimes harm myself in the process, or even people that i love. when you get harmed enough, dont you try to fix the situation so that you dont feel like part of you dies when youre with that person? i mean, if youre honestly losing part of yourself by being around them, then why should you continue to put effort into them? i cant believe that i let her treat me like that. i did it blindly. i have never been so blind. why should you allow that person to influence you and manipulate you? you shouldnt. i know that. so why does a part of me feel as though i should call her? i cant believe i still allow her to have such control over me. i still allow her to make me cry. why do i care? i cried so much when we were friends, i cried for her safety, i cried for her baby, i cried for her life that she took for granted so many times. and now, i cry because of how hurt i still am. after six fucking months i am still crying about it. if she had just disappeared from my life forever i would not be crying right now. since she has reappeard, i have this emotional struggle going on. if i call her, then im saying that its ok for her to act the same ways because i will always come crawling back. she can also criticize me and anyone i care about. she can treat the people i love like crap and she can drag me down with her. but on the other hand maybe shes changed. she hasnt changed. i cant beleive i let her treat you like that. if i put everything together, that is what i am most angry at her about is the way she treated you. im going to have to figure a way to deal with this. some way that makes her not contact me. how many chances are you supposed to give. i mean, is there some sort of set number that i dont know about? what if im supposed to give one more? i think i gave enough. i cant help but think of her everytime i hear Scars by Papa Roach. its just so fucking fitting.
this is not your doing, so there is no need for you to appoligize.
the stamps lost, but the sky flowers were pretty, and shiny and i am not a zombie. i dont think ill ever be able to watch fireworks again without thinking of land of the dead...
i had coffee with Rebecca and her friends today. it was fun.
i was having an alright day until tonite. i even remembered my dreams when i work up. i wrote them down. they were weird. now i have a book to decode them. im excited. perhaps i will do that.
i dont often have times when i wish someone would just tell me that everything will be alright and i actually beleive them. i wish i could.
ive sorta been struggling with something else to. not so much lately, which is good. i guess. i seem to trade one for the other. its good times.
i should really REALLY pack. ive been thinking a lot about it. does that count? didnt think so... ill probably stay up late doing that so that i can just relax tomorrow. i cant beleive it is saturday.
HOLY SHIT! lol, i just remember that its July 2nd! lol. nevermind, you wouldnt understand, unless i told you. in which case, i dont know. lol. this is an important day. just remember that. not really though.
this entry is terribly long. sorry about that. thanks for reading it though. unless you just skipped ahead to the end. lame. lol!
ttfn, Jaryd.
my past is catching up to me...
im not running from it, at least i wasnt until a week or so ago. now i feel as though i have to. i was fine without her. i had moved on just fine after she torn my fucking heart out. the friendship ended in the worst possible way. in her eyes i was the terrible friend. and there were all these things that i was doing wrong. and that she was the only one who was mistreated. im not saying that i was perfect in the friendship, but come on, relationships are fifty fifty. the worst part of our last conversation was that she said that i was never there for her. ever. that i always left her to deal with whatever she was going through on her own. i have this problem sometimes, when i sacrifice myself for another person. i go out of my way to help them and sometimes harm myself in the process, or even people that i love. when you get harmed enough, dont you try to fix the situation so that you dont feel like part of you dies when youre with that person? i mean, if youre honestly losing part of yourself by being around them, then why should you continue to put effort into them? i cant believe that i let her treat me like that. i did it blindly. i have never been so blind. why should you allow that person to influence you and manipulate you? you shouldnt. i know that. so why does a part of me feel as though i should call her? i cant believe i still allow her to have such control over me. i still allow her to make me cry. why do i care? i cried so much when we were friends, i cried for her safety, i cried for her baby, i cried for her life that she took for granted so many times. and now, i cry because of how hurt i still am. after six fucking months i am still crying about it. if she had just disappeared from my life forever i would not be crying right now. since she has reappeard, i have this emotional struggle going on. if i call her, then im saying that its ok for her to act the same ways because i will always come crawling back. she can also criticize me and anyone i care about. she can treat the people i love like crap and she can drag me down with her. but on the other hand maybe shes changed. she hasnt changed. i cant beleive i let her treat you like that. if i put everything together, that is what i am most angry at her about is the way she treated you. im going to have to figure a way to deal with this. some way that makes her not contact me. how many chances are you supposed to give. i mean, is there some sort of set number that i dont know about? what if im supposed to give one more? i think i gave enough. i cant help but think of her everytime i hear Scars by Papa Roach. its just so fucking fitting.
this is not your doing, so there is no need for you to appoligize.
the stamps lost, but the sky flowers were pretty, and shiny and i am not a zombie. i dont think ill ever be able to watch fireworks again without thinking of land of the dead...
i had coffee with Rebecca and her friends today. it was fun.
i was having an alright day until tonite. i even remembered my dreams when i work up. i wrote them down. they were weird. now i have a book to decode them. im excited. perhaps i will do that.
i dont often have times when i wish someone would just tell me that everything will be alright and i actually beleive them. i wish i could.
ive sorta been struggling with something else to. not so much lately, which is good. i guess. i seem to trade one for the other. its good times.
i should really REALLY pack. ive been thinking a lot about it. does that count? didnt think so... ill probably stay up late doing that so that i can just relax tomorrow. i cant beleive it is saturday.
HOLY SHIT! lol, i just remember that its July 2nd! lol. nevermind, you wouldnt understand, unless i told you. in which case, i dont know. lol. this is an important day. just remember that. not really though.
this entry is terribly long. sorry about that. thanks for reading it though. unless you just skipped ahead to the end. lame. lol!
ttfn, Jaryd.
2 Comments:
I told you that I didn't want you to apologize or feel guilty. I never should have said anything.
Let's just leave it at that
so... you leave me messages here, but you wont say anything. i need to know what you want me to do so that youre not frustrated with me or else its just gonna keep bothering you until it ruins our friendship. so we cant just leave it at that. on a completely different note, text message me ur address and postal code ok!
ttfn.
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