Something has become apparent to me. I avoid human touch. most times. i dont know why exactly. but most of the time i would just prefer not to be touched. this makes me really really sad. even more so when i say it outloud. its like my body means nothing and i can baracade my mind up so nothing can ever happen to it. i really want to know when this happened, i mean, was it just a gradual dislike to touch, or did it happen in one moment? i know the realization happened in one moment, that moment was today. i guess i really just want to know why. do you know why?

There is this picture i have to paint. its embedded in my memory. perhaps i will make a detailed drawing of it first. im not sure if i want it to be abstract or just like a picture. perhaps i will make 2 and contrast them. i dunno. im not using my creative engery well. im just floating along like a peice of string, except i dont know how long i am. i seem to have floated to a new kind of low.


ttfn, Jaryd