do you ever get tired of having to defend something?
cant it just be that way because thats the way its supposed to be?
no questions asked
it looses its purity when its interrogated
and quite frankly im tired of having to bitch slap people.

im aggravated right now...

ttfn, Jaryd

So, i forgot to mention something yesterday. i was a standardized patient (that means i get paid to pretend to be sick for pre meds) on friday, and there was about 10 of them, students i mean, and i had to have a partial physical, and they were all amazed how clean my ears were. it was like this huge thing, one girl even said that she "had never seen ears so clear", and then her co student piped up, "i wish i could say the same thing". then they all looked in my ears. what is that? i didnt know what to say, do you just say thank you in that situation? pfft.


so yes, safe and sound without doing illegal drugs tonite. dont even tell me i dont have any willpower.

i kinda felt like i was in a movie today, a terrible teen movie. really it was only because the party i went to had a dj. a house party, with a dj. sooo cool.

the sky touched my nose today and the world was upside down. he just like to chase clouds...

ttfn, Jiggy

Something has become apparent to me. I avoid human touch. most times. i dont know why exactly. but most of the time i would just prefer not to be touched. this makes me really really sad. even more so when i say it outloud. its like my body means nothing and i can baracade my mind up so nothing can ever happen to it. i really want to know when this happened, i mean, was it just a gradual dislike to touch, or did it happen in one moment? i know the realization happened in one moment, that moment was today. i guess i really just want to know why. do you know why?

There is this picture i have to paint. its embedded in my memory. perhaps i will make a detailed drawing of it first. im not sure if i want it to be abstract or just like a picture. perhaps i will make 2 and contrast them. i dunno. im not using my creative engery well. im just floating along like a peice of string, except i dont know how long i am. i seem to have floated to a new kind of low.


ttfn, Jaryd

I have a series of statements:

over 1000 people have visited my nexopia page.
men are not my specialty they're my delicacy (sorry, im aware thats terrible but i thought someone might enjoy it **LAURYN**)
i saw a lot like love a few days ago... i do not wish to comment anything but *sigh*
im having some difficulty breathing...

i think thats it.

ttfn, Jaryd

P.S: I hope you feel better and i also hope that you didnt infect me with whatever it is that has infected you. Seriously though, just sleep, no more fever either. HEY! maybe you'll get some sweet hallucinations!

You have a lot more lost time to make up for...

Its as though we all have ice cream scoops, we carry them around with us and use them with our words and actions. We take little chunks of the people around us and sometimes we dont even know that we've cut a part of them out. It's like you just go up to someone and simutaneously scoop into their flesh while you say your peice, then you leave and the person is standing there saying, "Hello! Can i have my flesh back!" To which we respond, "Oh my! Terribly sorry to have taken your meat from you, here you can have it back." Only you cant give it back. Once it is ripped it cannot be repaired and we will always be thinking in the back of our minds, "Man, that guy/girl has a chunk of my skin, asshole/bitch!"

So, there is no need to give out spoons, they already have them.

On that note, i started off having an alright day. i got called into work, as usual, and i was a little late, but i called so thats all good. so work was alright too, nothing to eventful. By which i mean i got into an arguement with my mother before work about going out afterwards. it was frustrating, cuz i had to go to work. but i successfully put it behind me on the drive there. the cigarrette helped too. so anyway, i was instructed to call home at my break to "discuss" the issue further. Luckily when i called they didnt answer, so i went on about my day. Then after work, i decided to call. 20 minutes later, i want to break everything i can see. Then plans changed and since i was over there i read in a park. then it rained. it was a fitting end to a terrible day.


ttfn, Jaryd.

im so tired of not saying what i want to say. i have so many words inside. why cant i just let them out so that they can roam around together in the fresh air? I can sit in silence with plenty of time to unload my mind but do i do it? no. what the hell is that? sometimes i black out because i have so much to say that it just overwhelms me. i dont even realize im doing it. Theres a pain in my head, a pain in my stomach and a pain in my foot. i dont even know how they got there, but i hurt all over.

I'll just keep telling myself that i can do everything tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. I can deal with it tomorrow. i know it wont be tomorrow. i have too much to say to do it tomorrow. people at work tell me to smile. i have too much to say to smile. i used to be the one who was always smiling. when did people start having to tell me to smile? when i laugh, i feel like i have to. then i think, do people know how awkward this is for me? im tired of everything. i need to keep my mark up in english, that should be my focus. the terrible thing is that i have no reason to anymore. well, i know i do, but can you blame me for thinking like that?

i have to write this thing called a six pack and monkey on a string. it is anything i want it to be. i think it will be everything it has to be. definately coded so that im not vulnerable, but not too much that people cant relate.

dont expect anything and you wont be disappointed......

ttfn, Jaryd

so ya... is it so wrong to not want to talk about something anymore? the topic is done and im fucking tired of talking about it, it just makes me upset. so why would i want to talk about it? thank you.

also, im a chicken shit. some days im content in being alone for the rest of my life. some days im not.

my head really hurts... i hit it on a locker door today and i have a painful bump on the top of my head...

i dont really know what to say... i know theres lots that i could say but i dont feel like it i guess...

ttfn, Jaryd

Do you ever feel like everything in your life is messy... I feel like that. Everywhere i look its messy. and i know that where it isnt currently messy will be soon and to start tidying before it gets out of control, but it all ready is, if that makes any sense. it makes me want to stop trying to fix things. if things are already beyond fixable, why should i waste my time trying to fix something that cant be fixed. I mean, once you start allowing something to be messy, then its always gonna remember the time it was messy. Thus being, unfixable. i feel like its hopeless, the only thing that makes sense to me is the callback tomorrow. every other area in my life is soooo fucking messy. im not angry enough yet to clean up. this headache wont subside. I handle rejection well, i mean, story of my life, of everyones life, i just handle it better than some. dont get me wrong, part of me is like DAMMIT, but the rest is kinda happy. can you be happy and sad at the same time over the same thing. hmm.

ill be up late tonite, call me if you like.

ttfn, Jaryd

Also, black thread has been expanded on...

ttfn

theres something comforting in watching something crumble to the ground fifty two times.


ttfn, Jaryd

I came home feeling depressed. i still am, but i went in the hot tub and vomitted on my mom like i normally do. I obviously mean i word vomited on her. I love her. And then i checked my email, which made me incredibly happy. "dont worry" is quickly becoming my favourite phrase to hear. Thats pretty much it, i have some issues that i need to deal with and i wish that someone had everything planned out and thought through and worked out, but they dont. this is the root of my depression and until iaccept what i need to accept, i will be in this state. well, part of me, the other part will be jumping around like a little girl. and yes, i have been doing the "girl thing".

ttfn, Jaryd